When you think about what you might get out of therapy—emotional breakthroughs, clearer boundaries—falling in love with the person across the room probably isn’t high on the list. And yet, that exact scenario is what’s sparking a wave of discourse (and controversy) on social media.
In a viral, multi-part series, one TikTok user explained how she developed feelings for her psychiatrist—a confession that quickly opened up a conversation about what’s normal (and what’s not) when bonds form in the therapy room. Was this genuine love? A boundary violation? A projection of the patient’s fantasies? According to mental health experts, part of what this TikToker experienced (at least, to an extent) is more common than you’d think—and that taboo, crush-like connection has a name: Transference.
What is ‘transference’—a common reason why people get attached to their psychiatrists?
In a lot of shows—Suits, Sopranos, You—there’s often a flirtatious spark (or full-blown sexual tension) brewing between a patient and their provider. But in real life, an intense attraction toward your therapist or psychiatrist may not be about them at all.
In psychology, transference is when you unconsciously redirect emotions, desires, and expectations from someone in your past (say, a parent or ex) onto your provider, Lauren Larkin, LMHC, a New York City-based therapist, tells SELF. That explains why a person with abandonment issues, for instance, might get unusually attached to a therapist who offers the steady, nonjudgmental support they never had from an inconsistent partner. Or why someone dealing with deep loneliness might interpret their psychiatrist’s attention and warmth as a sign of genuine friendship—when really, they’re just doing their job.
Sometimes, this dynamic can even evolve into what’s called erotic transference. In this case, romantic or sexual feelings enter the mix, Jessi Gold, MD, psychiatrist, chief wellness officer at the University of Tennessee System, and author of How Do You Feel?, tells SELF. It might show up as a patient who’s personally insulted when their therapist is OOO and needs to reschedule. Dr. Gold adds that it could manifest as a sudden curiosity about the therapist’s personal life—a desire to know details unrelated to your care, such as their dating life, family background, or attachment style.
As intense as erotic transference may sound, the reason it’s pretty common is simple: In sessions, “the client often feels heard, cared for, and accepted,” Larkin explains. “So it’s easy to confuse those professional, relational feelings for romantic love.” But that doesn’t mean your connection is actually romantic—or even real in the way it may feel in the moment.
That’s because “you can’t truly be in love with someone you don’t know,” Erin Runt, LMFT, a Chicago-based licensed therapist, tells SELF. “A patient might think they know their therapist or psychiatrist, but in any professional setting with the right boundaries, they don’t.” So often, what seems like infatuation is actually about what the therapist symbolizes—things like comfort, approval, and validation.
What therapists do when their patient catches feelings
Transference is so common, that it’s something most therapists are trained to prepare for and handle. Rather than ignoring what can seem like an uncomfortable or inappropriate crush, Dr. Gold says the standard protocol is to address the tension directly. Otherwise, important boundaries can become even more blurred, making your mental health treatment less effective (or even more harmful) in the long run.
