Maybe for you, a selfie never happens without two or three retakes to “get the right angle.” Or you can’t stop posting about the other ’gram-worthy things in your life, like your promotion and your new SUV and also your latest deadlift success. Does sharing all this stuff on social media mean you’re a narcissist?
It’s complicated. Between Anna “Delvey” Sorokin, the Tinder Swindler, Netflix’s Ted Bundy documentary, and everyone else touting themselves, narcissism seems to be having a cultural moment. Sure, having an abundance of self-esteem or being fixated on capturing the exact right look may seem narcissistic because you’re saying to a big audience, “Hey, check me out.” But a real narcissist, clinically referred to as someone who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), is the type of person docs like me treat. This goes far beyond posting selfies. In fact, NPD is one of the most misunderstood mental illnesses. Let me break it down for you.
What Narcissism Isn’t
There’s nothing wrong with showing off every once in a while—IRL or online. It’s probably even good for your mental health, because it keeps you self-assured and makes you human. Bragging to your friends about your son being the best player on his baseball team or posting the latest accolade you earned is totally normal. Fishing for your next compliment doesn’t make you a narcissist as long as it’s not causing problems at work or at home. If you don’t have NPD, a low-performing selfie will just feel embarrassing and maybe you’ll even delete it, or the comment about your kid will stop the conversation awkwardly for a moment, you’ll feel uncomfortable, then everyone will move on.
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But if your need to be the center of attention leads you to exploit other people to get there, or if you feel empty when your friends smile and say, “There he goes again,” it might be a sign of NPD.
. . . And What Narcissism Actually Is
First, the truth is, most people don’t have it. NPD is pretty rare, affecting less than 7 percent of the population. (Most of those who have it are men.)
Second, people with NPD aren’t high on themselves; all that apparent confidence is a mask for a deep sense of insecurity and low self-esteem. Narcissists don’t only enjoy success and admiration; they need it as much as they need oxygen, food, and water just to feel alive. They need to be told or shown they’re valuable, and if they’re not, they feel completely worthless. If someone with NPD doesn’t receive the amount of praise or attention they crave or experiences failure, they can be very difficult to be around. They can become isolated and depressed, and may even contemplate suicide.
Third, there’s more to NPD than that; the disorder is a constellation of symptoms, including being preoccupied with power, believing that you can relate only to “high-status” people, and feeling as if others are envious of your accomplishments. These traits occur in multiple settings (e.g., at home and in the office). All of this isn’t just bloviating; it’s a cry for help.
Getting Past Narcissism
There are ways to treat narcissism, though the disorder generally isn’t what brings people to my office—no one has ever booked an appointment with me to say, “Doc, I’m a narcissist. I need help.” Most of the people I see with NPD are coming in for something else, like depression, anxiety, or substance abuse. Even for someone in my position, it can take time to figure out if NPD is the reason a person is drinking more or feeling depressed.
If you or someone you know has NPD, therapy and sometimes medications like antidepressants can be effective. Therapy is no overnight fix, but it can help people discover why they’re feeling or acting the way they are. In the best cases, it helps people see how NPD has been hurting them all along, and that’s a stepping stone to improved health.
But what if you technically don’t have NPD yet people keep teasing you about being a narcissist? Ask yourself whether you’re looking for certain reactions by posting, or whether you’re doing it because you really want to share. If you lack self-awareness or overcompensate due to low self-esteem, it sometimes causes attention-seeking behaviors, and those are things you can work on in therapy. And maybe once you figure all that out, you and your (fewer, less-agonized-over) posts might get even more likes.
Gregory Scott Brown MD is a board-certified psychiatrist and Men’s Health advisor. He is an affiliate faculty member at the University of Texas Dell Medical School and author of The Self-Healing Mind: An Essential Five-Step Practice to Overcoming Anxiety and Depression, and Revitalizing Your Life.
