Breakups are a special kind of emotional hell, so finding the right words to comfort a friend going through one can be tricky. Case in point: There’s one thing a lot of well-intentioned people say to ease their pal’s pain that isn’t as supportive as it seems. Not only is this common sentiment counterproductive—it can also be downright insulting, Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, LPC, professor at Northern Illinois University and author of Toxic Friendships: Knowing the Rules and Dealing with the Friends Who Break Them, tells SELF.
“Never tell a friend that you knew their ex was ‘bad news’ from the start,” Dr. Degges-White says. Urging your best bud not to waste tears over a jerk who cheated, say, or a workaholic who couldn’t even send a happy birthday text might seem like a reassuring reality check. However, this type of criticism isn’t all that helpful for a few reasons.
First off, if your friend ends up rekindling things, the fact that you called their partner an inconsiderate asshole or an emotionally unavailable child may linger in the back of their mind and cause them to second-guess getting back together, Dr. Degges-White says—even if the issues that led to the breakup were resolved. (In other words, they may start to see their significant other through your critical eyes, which could cause unnecessary stress.) Not to mention, your friendship could also take a hit: Your pal may hesitate to open up to you about their love life moving forward, since you’ve made it pretty clear you’re not the biggest fan of their relationship.
And even if they call it quits for good, airing your unsolicited disapproval probably won’t improve their mood or self-esteem in the long run: Popping off about that “loser” they dated for years (unintentionally) insults your pal’s ability to pick a good partner, Dr. Degges-White explains. Plus, getting over an ex is already so emotionally challenging—“so it certainly doesn’t help your friend feel any better when they’re having a ‘mistake’ rubbed in their face,” she adds.
Okay, now that you know what not to say, what’s a better way to show your support? “Remember that when a loved one is going through a breakup, empathy is one of the most important things you can offer,” Dr. Degges-White says. This can include reminding them that it’s okay to feel sad—and that you’re there to listen. Or just showing up at their place with a bunch of their favorite snacks and watching Netflix on the couch together so they don’t have to wallow alone.
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