Interlacing fingers with your partner while walking down the street may seem like NBD, but there’s way more to holding hands than you might think. While this form of PDA is, to be fair, more PG than R-rated (no one’s ever going to yell at you to get a room), hand-holding is still an intimate act.
“It feels good to hold hands with someone we know because it’s all about wanting to be close to them,” says Toni Coleman, LCSW, a psychotherapist and relationship coach based in Virginia. And the benefits are scientifically proven, too. As with kissing and hugging, “research shows that touch, like holding hands, releases oxytocin, a neurotransmitter that gives you that feel-good buzz,” she says.
If you’re not in the hand-holding habit, consider doing it more often, as a surefire way to boost intimacy. After all, “we only hold hands with people we have a certain level of comfort with or attraction to,” explains Coleman. “It invokes a positive feeling about one another, so you both feel sexy and wanted. It’s almost like foreplay.”
Whether you’re a veteran hand holder or a relative newbie, you might not realize that there are so many ways—the experts noted at least eight—to get the finger-locked feels. And while hand holding is, in general, a special type of nonverbal communication that sends a message to not just each other, but also people on the outside of your relationship, that you’re really into your connection, each specific type of hand grasp says something different about your bond.
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Curious what that might be? Ahead, body language experts explain the eight different ways you and your S.O. might be holding hands—and what each style means for your relationship. But first…
Why do we hold hands?
Humans hold hands for a variety of reasons, says Tiffany Field, PhD, the director of the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami’s Miller School of Medicine. For parents and children, hand-holding provides a level of “comfort, attachment and oftentimes security and safety,” Field explains. For romantic couples, however, holding hands is mostly about companionship and increasing physical intimacy, she says. “You feel closer to someone when you’re having physical contact with them,” Field adds. (Especially if your love language is physical touch!) Ultimately, holding hands is just another way to create a feeling of safety and strengthen your most intimate relationships.
What are the benefits of holding hands?
You already know that hand-holding releases oxytocin—a major psychological benefit—and that “feel good” hormone also alleviates stress, Field says. But this benefit is also connected to the physical act of pressing palms, she adds. “When you stimulate pressure receptors, like in the hands, you’re relaxing the nervous system,” explains Field. This leads to an increase in vagal activity, which relates to a decrease in heart rate, blood pressure, and the stress hormone cortisol, per Field. “There’s [also] an increase in serotonin, which is the antidepressant and anti-pain neurotransmitter.”
Is hand-holding always romantic?
The short answer: no.
Holding hands can be romantic, but it can also be protective, comforting, or respectful, says Field. “It has a lot of reasons, objectives, and origins.”
It can also, surprisingly, solve world peace (er, sort of). There’s a well-documented phenomenon where “if you’re shaking hands or holding hands with someone, you’re less likely to aggress against them,” says Field. The origins of this type of physical contact can be traced all the way back to primitive times when people were more worried that someone might pull a weapon on them, she adds. For people from different nations who perhaps didn’t like each other or weren’t familiar with one another, the handshake became a symbol of respect, Field explains. This peaceful gesture is still seen today where leaders of different, and even opposing, countries shake hands upon meeting and/or after establishing an agreement or truce.
Now that you’ve a grasp (sorry, couldn’t resist!) on the hand-holding basics, here’s what eight different styles reveal about your relationship:
1. Fingers intertwined
Your fingers may be intertwined, and you may also be reaching across your chest to touch their arm, too. (I’ll call this the Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.) This hand-holding style symbolizes a heightened desire to be and stay connected, says celebrity body language expert Karen Donaldson. “This is a display of a strong and deep bond in the relationship.”
Speaking of Meghan and Harry, watch this to learn about the couple’s body language on their wedding day:
Basically, this hand-holding style indicates that a couple is confident in their relationship and comfortable enough to tell the world, adds movement pattern analyst Alison Henderson. “It is usually one of the first signs couples use to display their status.”
Also worth noting: Because increased skin-to-skin contact reduces stress, long-term couples may hold hands tighter when one person is overwhelmed, adds Donaldson.
2. Loose grip
This grip may be a bit confusing, because it can have a few contradictory meanings, says Donaldson. One possible explanation: “If one person is less involved in the hand holding, it can signal hesitation or indicate a newer relationship,” she explains.
But a loose grip can also mean a couple has been together for a long time. In this case, “the couple is highly comfortable in the relationship and with each other, and there is no need to be showy about it,” Donaldson explains. “Neither are clingy because they feel secure with one another and confident in their relationship.”
“Couples who have been together for a while don’t feel like they must prove anything and can keep a loose grip simply to still feel a connection,” adds Henderson. For long-term partners, this hand-holding style is a symbol of trust.
3. On top and bottom
Picture this: Your partner is holding your hand with both of theirs—one of their hands is on top of yours and the other is on the bottom. They’re probably also staring into your (starry) eyes. This double hold is a highly comforting way of holding hands, says Donaldson. “The holder is signaling that they’re fully attentive,” she notes. “They’re there for you, and you can trust them.”
But be careful to notice the tightness of the embrace with this one, adds Henderson. “If the person on top and bottom exerts too much or consistent pressure, it can read as trying to dominate the relationship or keep the other person from ‘getting away,’” she says.
It may also simply be a preamble for a long talk. Remember how Mom or Dad would hold your hands before they had something serious to tell you or gave you the old “birds and the bees” discussion? Yeah.
4. Firm—but not interlaced—grip
Depending on where you are in your relationship, this handhold style could be a protective grip. But most likely, the person doing the tighter hold is the dominant one in the relationship and is aiming to take charge, says Donaldson.
Or, if it’s a newer relationship, the couple may be finding a way to stay connected because they aren’t yet ready to interlace fingers, adds Henderson.
This could also be a safety type of handhold between friends or a parent and child, Henderson explains. Ultimately, context matters to understand the meaning of this handhold.
5. Arm draped combo
POV: You’re sitting side by side. Their arm is draped around yours, and you’re holding their hand. “This is a deeply caring and protective gesture,” says Donaldson.
Usually seen in more established relationships and/or ones that are moving quickly, this hand-holding style also indicates exclusivity, Henderson says. It’s a very intimate gesture that shows the couple only has attention for each other at the moment, she adds. (Maybe you should get a room, after all?)
6. One hand gently resting on top
Eek. Are you having the “should we break up?” talk? When you put your hand on top of someone else’s and let it rest for a minute while you speak, it may mean that you’re delivering bad news, says Coleman.
But even if that is the case, there’s still a level of care reflected in this handhold style. It can be a pacifying, soothing, or protective gesture, says Donaldson. In a way, it says: “It’s okay. Calm down.”
Remember, context matters with every gesture, and this is no exception. Look to see if the bottom hand is showing, says Henderson. “If only the fingers are covered, it’s probably a sign of comfort or endearment,” she explains. “[But] if the whole hand is covered, including the back of the hand and wrist, it may be a sign of control or holding someone down.”
7. Over-the-shoulder walk
Not to be confused with the arm draped combo, when you do this while walking, it’s basically a PDA cuddle. “This is saying that you want everyone to know your relationship status—you’re a couple,” says Donaldson. “The person who has their hand over the other person’s back takes pride in the relationship and is the protective one,” she adds.
8. Pinky link
You’re the couple all of your friends gush about, and you know it. The one finger handhold signals that the couple is super relaxed and comfortable with each other, says Donaldson. It’s a romantic gesture usually seen in established relationships, she adds.
“Holding hands by locking pinky fingers is playful, carefree, and reminiscent of childhood ‘pinky swears,’” says Henderson. “It can also be a little sexy with allusions to more physical things to come.” (Wink-wink.)
Meet the Experts:
Toni Coleman, LCSW, CMC, is a psychotherapist and relationship coach based in Virginia.
Tiffany Field, PhD, is the director of the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami’s Miller School of Medicine.
Karen Donaldson is a celebrity communication and body language expert, international speaker, and certified confidence coach.
Alison Henderson is a body language expert and certified movement pattern analyst.
Jessica Migala is a health writer specializing in general wellness, fitness, nutrition, and skincare, with work published in Women’s Health, Glamour, Health, Men’s Health, and more. She is based in the Chicago suburbs and is a mom to two little boys and rambunctious rescue pup.
Assistant Editor
Naydeline Mejia is an assistant editor at Women’s Health, where she covers sex, relationships, and lifestyle for WomensHealthMag.com and the print magazine. She is a proud graduate of Baruch College and has more than two years of experience writing and editing lifestyle content. When she’s not writing, you can find her thrift-shopping, binge-watching whatever reality dating show is trending at the moment, and spending countless hours scrolling through Pinterest.
