The Necessity of Setting Healthy Boundaries…

Boundaries are not walls and they are not meant to keep people out of our lives. Boundaries are similar to roadmaps, informing those around us about safe and unsafe territories. The definition of boundaries varies from culture to culture, and each individual needs to assess their unique circumstance prior to setting a boundary.  

Reasons why some are opposed to setting boundaries:  

• Some folks have an adverse reaction to the word boundaries  because they fear the inability to continue to have a positive relationship with the person that  they are setting a boundary with.  This is often rooted in black and white thinking or cultural norms that are simply unsustainable in our modern world. For example: A mother who expects her daughter who has a newborn to continue to have weekly lunches with her on a particular day and time, despite the obvious life transition and shift in priorities that has taken place.  

• The lack of boundaries in one’s family of origin can lead to feelings of shame and guilt while attempting to set healthy boundaries. The absence of boundaries in our family of origin often leads to unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. If we grew up in households that  did not values boundaries, we may feel guilty or even shameful for putting our own needs first. For example: A son may feel guilty for prioritizing his wife and child over the needs of his aging parents. Although in most cases words are not exchanged, the unspoken expectations of the family will place tremendous guilt on the son.

• Unrealistic expectations. The source of distress is often rooted in the expectations we place on ourselves and others. Each person will have their own definitions regarding “satisfactory/healthy” relationships. What one person may believe is the definition of “healthy” relationship  may be drastically different than another’s definition. When we fail to communicate and operate from a place of assumptions we set ourselves and those around us for failure.  For example: the friend who calls and peer pressures you to hanging out every Sunday, despite your efforts to explain that you attend to your  selfcare routine on that day, is clearly projecting their expectations onto you. 

Boundaries are needed because they allow us to become more and more of ourselves rather than losing ourselves in relationships. By setting boundaries we decrease the chances of harboring resentments in our relationships. Boundaries will help us cultivate emotionally safe environments in which connecting does not feel forced. Ture and healthy connections will create space for you to be fully yourself.  

How to set boundaries  

• Make peace with the fact that your priorities  have shifted and will continue to shift. Identify your top priorities through making a list can be a helpful tool in the journey of boundary setting.  Pause before saying yes to a request, and make sure that you are not placing your new priorities on the backburner out of habit.  

• People are not mind readers, it is important that you identify your personal values and boundaries first and then attempt to communicate them with those around you. Your communication need to be clear and direct. For Example: “I am unable to hangout on Sunday, but I would love to connect another day of the week.” 

• Do not lecture, execute. If I tell a friend to stop calling me early Sunday mornings and they continue to reject my request. I am now the one responsible for execution. The first step of a boundary is I directly state my need e.g. “ Please do not call me before 10 am on Sundays.” The next step is, I need to execute and not respond if my friend continues to call me. Otherwise, I am only wasting my energy on lecturing my friend while reinforcing the behavior I do not like.  

• Do not allow guilt to highjack your new way of moving through he world. There is a difference between hurting the ones we love and disappointing them. Your boundaries may disappoint those around you, maybe because they are not used to you saying no.  Your boundaries may not be received well at first, because it’s a new way of relating to the world. However, you want to engage in the “broken tape record” by continuing to repeating and executing your boundaries.  

Prepackaged boundary statements 

Responses to the person who askes personal questions/ or makes unnecessary comments

1. I don’t want to  talk  about topic, I will let you know if anything changes.
2. Thank you for asking for an update regarding the topic I had  spoken to you about earlier, I am choosing to figure the rest out on my own.
3. Please help me understand why you are asking that question and why it is useful for you to know?  
4. I don’t know how to respond to your question.
5. I don’t want to talk about serious or heavy topics today, I would like to enjoy our time together.
6. I am not available to hangout on that particular day, let’s think of another day to hangout.
7. I am not sure what you meant by your statement. 
8. That made me feel uncomfortable.  
9. I really want to stay connected but the way that you are speaking to me is not sitting well with me… can you please rephrase your comment/question? 

Responses to the parent/parents who are struggling with  understanding your life transition:

1. Mom/ Dad, I love you and you are very important to me. I am doing the best I can to adjust to my new marriage. I will not be able to come over weekly, but let’s discuss other options for staying connected.  
2. Mom/Dad, I appreciate your feedback about my parenting style, but I need you trust me and allow me to reach out  if I need support.  
3. Mom/Dad, I am unable to spend every holiday with you now that I have a partner. My partner and I are doing our best to navigate the holidays in a way that is fair to both of our families.  
4. Mom/Dad I will always find time for you, but I need to priorities my partner and kids on the weekends. Let’s collaborate on a plan to stay connected that works for all of us.  
5. Mom/Dad  it places me in a difficult position when you start a serious and heavy conversation regarding my partner at family events… let’s come up with a policy to not speak about our grievances at large family gatherings.  
6. Mom/Dad please understand that my partner grew up differently than I did. What may be normal and typical in our family may not be for my partner. Please use me as filter prior to reaching out to my partner about something they did or said that  you did not like…  
7. Mom/Dad I love you and respect you but my partner and I will make life decisions that reflect our values not yours.  

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.