“I wouldn’t recommend making a list of your ex’s faults, because that can lead to ruminating and get you stuck in a cycle of anger and frustration,” she explains. A healthier alternative? Take note of why you, as a couple, weren’t compatible. Maybe you had totally opposite communication styles (you’re reserved, they’re confrontational), or you wanted lots of children and they didn’t. Getting clear on the reason(s) you’re no longer together can help you realize (and accept) that you might not have been each other’s perfect match after all, Dr. Orbuch says.
6. Think twice before hooking up with your ex post-breakup.
Oh, and speaking of ending things on a healthier note: Don’t booty call your ex. Fine, we shouldn’t tell you what to do (and every relationship breakup is unique). But that steamy “one last time” hookup will probably stir up old, confusing feelings and make it harder to let go of the past, Dr. Gundle says: “In order to get real closure, you need to actually end it.”
7. Consider cutting off contact with your ex.
Many of us hope we can stay friends—or at least be cordial—with our former partners. After all, we’ve spent weeks, months, or years getting to know and love them (and their little quirks). However, setting boundaries is necessary for embracing a fresh beginning, Michaela Decker, LMFT, owner and therapist at Vesta Counseling in Tempe, Arizona, tells SELF.
“A good start is to reduce communication to only what is necessary,” Decker says. Keep the conversation limited to specific things like getting your stuff back, she suggests, then end the discussion. Even better, consider appointing an intermediary (like a mutual friend or family member) to be your proxy for arranging logistics temporarily, Dr. Liner adds.
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all recommendation for whether or not to delete an ex’s number or when to block them on social media. (For what it’s worth, though, one study published in 2012 found that people who continued to be Facebook friends with their ex experienced more distress and sexual longing.) Just be mindful of how keeping the option of contacting them open is affecting you, Decker advises: If their thirst trap is sending you into a spiral or you’re constantly fighting the urge to stalk their profile for life updates, those are signs that it’s time to limit your access to them (or go no contact altogether)—at least until you’re in a better place.
8. Write a letter to your ex—but don’t send it.
Jotting down all of your honest feelings—even the ugly and intimate ones—and directing them toward the person who’s responsible for your tears can help you make sense of complicated thoughts and unanswered questions, Dr. Orbuch says.
“Basically, get all of what you want to say on paper or the notes app in your phone,” she suggests, whether that includes how much you’ll cherish them as your first real love, say, or (conversely) how you’re now recognizing all of their red flags. She also recommends deleting or throwing the letter away, rather than hitting “send” or hand-delivering it to their doorstep. The goal isn’t necessarily to contact your ex, Dr. Orbuch explains (which could, again, delay the healing process). Instead, consider this a cathartic exercise: A safe space to say any and everything on your mind, so that you can free yourself from the weight of unresolved emotions.
9. Remember you’re not alone—that’s what friends (and family members) are for!
Sure, during the early stages of a breakup (when you might be too heartbroken and overwhelmed to talk to anyone), withdrawing from those around you is a natural reaction, Dr. Gundle says. Still, it’s important to remember that your loved ones are your safety net during difficult times, and they can provide support in ways that only those who really know you can.
