What counts as physical cheating in a relationship is pretty clear, but defining emotional cheating isn’t so easy. That’s because being close with people other than your significant other(s) is “healthy and normal,” Vanessa Bradden, LMFT, owner of Lakeview Therapy Group in Chicago, tells SELF. It’s only when that closeness evolves into the kind of non-physical intimacy normally reserved for a romantic partner that you’re in emotional infidelity territory, Bradden says.
If you’re on the receiving end of such betrayal, you might notice a change in your relationship’s normal dynamic—something a little…off. The major red flags are “a decrease in emotional intimacy, increased secrecy, and a shift in priorities,” according to Bradden. Perhaps you no longer feel like your partner’s number one. Or the weirdness could show up in their schedule—they may prioritize happy hours and other social plans with coworkers when they didn’t before.
Other examples: “A partner who becomes distant when they are ordinarily chatty and engaged may be seeking comfort elsewhere,” Bradden says. “Likewise, if you have an open-door policy with texts and emails, and they suddenly become guarded with their information, they may be crossing a line.”
Whether the signs are glaring or small, if you have even the slightest suspicion that something’s up, it’s important to call it out as quickly as possible because when emotional cheating goes unchecked, it can cause long-term damage like broken trust and frequent conflicts, Svea Wentzler, MA, a pre-licensed marriage and family therapist at A Better Life Therapy in Philadelphia, tells SELF. Instead of attacking your partner, though, Bradden recommends preparing your thoughts beforehand and using “I” statements. “For example: ‘I feel that things have been off between us,’” she says. That way, they’re more likely to listen—and open up—to you. (If the talk doesn’t go well, Wentzler says couples therapy can be helpful for rebuilding trust and improving communication.)
To show a few of the many ways emotional cheating can play out, we asked seven people to share their own experiences with it—some of which went too far and turned physical.
She started acting differently.
The biggest red flag was her change in demeanor—she wanted to spend less time with me but was attached to her phone. Later, I found a bunch of texts. They always started out friendly, but the conversations evolved to sharing full details of their days including family events, pictures of their kids’ creations, accomplishments, things like that—almost like she was talking to a boyfriend. Then the tone of the conversations turned sexual. This happened multiple times. It was always with someone from her past or someone at work. —L
He became reactive and defensive.
He would blow up at the slightest thing I said and dramatically yell, “I’ve had enough!” He started having lots of different reasons to be out of the house too. The emotional affair was with a woman he was giving music lessons to, and it eventually turned physical. He went to her place for dinner one night, and apparently that was when they kissed and said they’d sleep together when she got back from holiday a month later.
