“Unwrapping presents of the past”
How dealing with your unresolved issues can help you with your dating life and the comparison Invited by social media
When my grandmother was growing up, she didn’t know (unless she asked) what her next-door neighbor had for breakfast, or where the next-door neighbor went for vacation. Her life was simple and, therefore, in some ways less stressful. Back in the day, my grandmother would compare herself with those around her, people she actually knew and saw on a daily basis. In today’s world, we can compare ourselves to a variety of people from all over the world, this can be an extremely overwhelming experience. In the era of “ reels” and “ Tik-Tok” videos, it has become almost impossible to differentiate between what is a display of a real moment versus a pre-planned “ content creation” moment.
Technology has made our lives easier in many aspects. We are able to order food and clothing online without having to stand in line. We are able to quickly obtain information about a variety of topics. Social media has allowed us to connect with millions of people from all over the world. As a result, we are living more complex and perhaps culturally attuned lives. However, social media has also invited comparison and envy into our daily lives. The magnitude of comparison has greatly increased and impacted some of our expectations regarding romantic relationships.
Depending on the season, we can find content on social media that can increase our anxiety and sense of dissatisfaction in regard to our relationship status. Valentine’s
Day, and engagement photos are often the most emotionally charged posts to digest for many of us. Couples often only post their happiest moments and rarely show what goes on “behind the scenes.
The fantasy of “finding the one” continues to be a struggle for many folks. Dating websites have created a space in which many individuals including young professionals can connect and attempt to find “love.” Yet, so many continue to struggle with finding the “right” person. So many individuals are even ditching dating applications. I often wonder how much of the difficulty with finding the “ right” partner is truly about a lack of a decent dating pool. Could it be that the real struggle of finding the “right” partner is about our own confusion around what we are truly looking for?
Throughout the years of being a clinician, I have found that the following questions can serve as a guide, assisting folks with the process of dating.
1. What are my intentions for wanting to date at this time?
Being honest with yourself can save you a great amount of time and energy. Most importantly, being honest with yourself can provide you with more clarity and may decrease your anxiety. Our motives for dating change with our life experiences and are sometimes even impacted by our age. Before going on a date, or even starting to look for a potential partner, ask yourself what are my intentions? Am I wanting to date for the sake of dating? Am I being pressured by societal and cultural norms? Do I feel that I am being pressured by friends and family? Am I scrolling up and down on social media with comparison sitting on my shoulders and feeling as though “I am behind?” Ask yourself what does it mean to be “ behind in life ?” Have you placed yourself on some sort of timeline? What are your short-term and long-term goals? How will finding a partner at this particular time impact your life?
TIP: Creating a pros and cons list is an extremely simple and helpful tool. List all the pros and cons of being single and being in a relationship.
2. What does love mean to me?
There is a big difference between love and lack of emotional responsibility. In other words, love will not provide you with a “get out of jail free card.” Even if you marry someone, or spend a great amount of time with them, you will still have to face life on life’s terms. Your partner will be there to hold your hand, but at the end of the day, you have to face your own challenges. Searching for love is different than searching for a hero. If you think about it, a hero saves those who are helpless. Why would you want to appear to be helpless? What is so attractive about being helpless? Isn’t love about two equals becoming partners?
TIP: One helpful tool is thinking about the meaning of love in your family or origin. What did it mean to love someone?
3. Am I ready to be truly intimate with someone?
The real question is, are you ready to be intimate with yourself? Intimacy goes beyond getting naked and having sex. Intimacy is the ability to be yourself. We all have areas in our lives that need improvement. The goal is to be willing to tolerate uncomfortable feelings and learn to accept yourself for who you are. No one is perfect, and you need to remind yourself of that. If you accept yourself fully, you will be able to present yourself more authentically to others and your romantic partner. If you hide from yourself, you will attract a different group of people and romantic partners.
TIP: One helpful tool is creating a list of your personal favorite qualities. Create a separate list of qualities that you would like to improve. Gaining insight about yourself may decrease anxiety and provide you with more clarity as to what you are looking for in a partner.
4. What are my “personal gifts from the past” that are occupying my suitcase?
Think of a suitcase that is filled up with all your past experiences and is continuing to be filled up with new experiences. We all have these suitcases, some of us have a few and others have more. I like to refer to “unresolved issues of the past” as “gifts from the past.” Each gift represents what you need to focus on next, in order to grow and heal emotionally. Often, our gifts from the past have a common theme and are triggered by an interaction or even a thought. Our job is to start identifying our feelings and thoughts and becoming aware of our reactions. If our reaction to a situation is out of proportion, it may be a sign that a gift from the past is being triggered. Our job is to be kind and gentle with ourselves as we start to unwrap our gifts from the past. Being aware of your gifts from the past can help you maintain your relationships with others, especially your romantic relationships. By increasing your insight through self-reflection, you can become emotionally responsible in your relationships. A healthy partner will support you as you navigate your way through your suitcase, but they will not unwrap your gifts for you.
TIP: One helpful tool for self-reflection is obtaining a daily journal. Journaling will allow you to turn inwards and get in touch with your raw and unfiltered feelings.
5. What are my partner’s “gifts from the past”?
We all have a past and the past impacts us. Some people are very insightful about their “gifts from the past” and are able to take responsibility for their emotions. These individuals are often aware of how their “unresolved” issues impact them today. They will want your support, but they will not assign you to “police them.” Your support will be appreciated, but the “heavy lifting” will be done mainly by your partner. On the other hand, there are individuals who are not aware of their “unresolved issues.” These individuals may not be willing to accept emotional responsibility and either not want to work on issues of their past, or they may want YOU to work through their issues for them. I would imagine that dating a person who lacks insight pertaining to their past or is not interested in improving themselves, may be challenging. The bottom line is that everyone has a suitcase from the past. You may want to ask yourself if you will be OK with the “gifts” of your partner’s past? What are your deal breakers and what are you willing to HELP unwrap?
TIP: One helpful tip may be asking your partner how you can support them while they unwrap their presents.
The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.
