We all deal with people who say something offensive, whether they mean to or not. But how can we learn to focus on the positive when we are programmed to focus on the negative for self-preservation? I interviewed a couple of experts to better understand why we react so strongly to certain words or behaviors, how to develop a thick skin and how we can change our mindset.
1. Be aware of what triggers you
We all have sensitivities and insecurities and certain things that trigger a reaction. Being aware of those insecurities can help us pinpoint a bad feeling and then respond differently. “I often ask clients, ’Is there something your sensitivity is trying to tell you?’” says psychotherapist Aimee Beyers, MA, AMFT, APCC. “This question moves the client from a place of reaction to a place of reflection, where their own personal development and wisdom can come to light.” That sensitivity may always exist. For example, someone may always be sensitive about their weight or about the amount of money they earn, but putting those feelings in a place and moving on can help you not feel upset.
“We can get flooded if there’s something that is activating for us or hits a nerve,” says Beyers. “We respond physically and viscerally, [but if we] step back and say, OK, this person is seeing it differently than me and we have different approaches, different values, it can affirm your own way of seeing things and seeing the world, which can temper the nervous system and change that visceral response.”
2. Examine the stories you tell yourself
In addition to having a strong reaction, Helene Zupanc, LPC, MEd, therapist and co-author of Sticky Note Mantras: The Art and Science of Choosing Your Thoughts, says that our brains constantly make assumptions about a situation. But these stories are often skewed or flat-out wrong.
“The amygdala, the alarm system in our brain, sets off [an alert] when it senses we may get hurt. No matter how small a past trauma may have been, the amygdala remembers. For example, long ago, some girls were talking about you in a group in high school. Today, you see a group of coworkers gathered around the water cooler, and the amygdala holds up a big sign that says, ’Those people are talking about you!’ Shallow breathing, increase in heart rate and other fight-or-flight symptoms ensue.” Reactions are normal, but what can we do to develop a thick skin and change our mindset so we see a situation more clearly and respond better?
3. Change the way you think
Aside from being aware of our own sensitivities, we can create mantras we say to ourselves in response to negative thoughts. “By addressing issues such as these, which are individual to each person, and creating a personalized mantra, insecurities will be much less likely to steal the show,” says Zupanc. “Mantras can be created through a variety of inspiration such as quotes, song lyrics, movie quotes, passages and more.”
For example, you’re at work and mistakenly blurt out something inappropriate. When you make a mistake, you may feel like people no longer like you, respect you or think that you’re good at your job, explains Zupanc. But, on the other side, you’re good at your job on most days. And people at work know you have good intentions, that you would not try to cause discomfort and that you’re available to talk to when they’re upset. So, the positive mantra that you are good at your job and respected cancels out the overwhelming negative thought that one mistake changed everyone’s opinion about you.
In Zupanc’s book, there are mantras for positive self-concept, laughter as medicine, rediscovering curiosity, inner strength, letting go, acceptance, forgiveness, goal setting and many others. These are all good tools to have, especially since research has shown that thinking positive thoughts can benefit your mental health and your physical health.
4. Try exposure therapy
Exposure therapy is another option for knowing how to develop a thick skin. With exposure therapy, you force yourself into a difficult situation and try to navigate that situation in a way that’s comfortable. “Working in Los Angeles, many of my clients are in the entertainment industry and navigate inevitable rejection and judgment as almost daily aspects of their freelance careers,” says Beyers. She asks her clients to reflect on the situation and notice what is happening as far as thoughts, emotions and physical sensations go. Then, they realize the situation is safe and not a personal assault. “Through repeated exposure, as well as the processing of the client’s experience in therapy sessions, the stories about the situation are rewritten, and the client relates to their hopes and fears in a way that they find to be preferable.”
At the end of the day, it’s normal for us to react when someone strikes a nerve. But actually knowing how to develop a thick skin takes practice. It means taking a step back, thinking about your mental and physical response and rerouting those thoughts. Doing this can help you realize that most comments are meant with good intentions.
Photo by Miljan Zivkovic/Courtesy of Shutterstock.com
