Most people who have attended high school can recall a friend or classmate who, once they started to date someone, would be MIA for months at a time only to return when things didn’t work out. This is not an uncommon, but certainly a short-sighted phenomenon and it unfortunately does not end in adulthood. The idea is based upon the idea that we are isolated creatures that exist in a vacuum unaffected by any other relationships or expectations. If the goal in dating is to find a lifelong partner that can integrate into all aspects of life, the sooner you can be introduced to each other’s “worlds”, the better.
The “world” of you
Let’s start with your world first and what you have to offer. In order to value anything you have to have something to give up. I recall several friends when I was younger who would say, “my life was miserable until I met my boyfriend/girlfriend.” At first, this may seem like a compliment toward the significant other. However, the implication is simply that they are at least a minor improvement over boredom and a distraction from pursuing any other source of worth. This can easily slip into the emotional abuse of threatening to hurt oneself if that person were ever to leave. Having healthy friends, family, and interests gives your significant other insights both into how to better love you, but also the skills by which you will treat them. It is easy to win over a single person, it is challenging and infinitely more rewarding, to be able to foster relationships with many people at different levels. When two people marry, they do not just marry the person, they are also now choosing to be affected by the familial subculture within which their spouse was raised.
The “world” of your partner
Now let’s consider the “world” of your partner. Contrary to how an innocent young person might consider marriage, your spouse does not come out of the ether with no personal connections and just integrates completely into your family. It is not that you will find someone and they will forgo their past and attend all holidays and events with your family without any desire for you to attend to the relationships and interests that they have accrued. How your significant other treats their friends and family as well as yours is a much stronger indication of long-term success than how they treat you. Eventually, the honeymoon period wears off and they will revert to their default behaviors. This is a compliment that they can be more authentic with you, but also a concern if their treatment of others is unattractive. The humbling reality is that you are an extension not an exception to their general behavior. Someday you will find yourself at the receiving end of disappointing your partner and it does not need to be a shock if you have seen how they treat others when upset along the way.
Dating each other’s “world”
The concept of dating each other’s world has become more and more relevant as we have entered into the digital age. It is becoming increasingly normal to meet through dating apps and other online forums. Many people cultivate intimate conversations and trust long before meeting in person, let alone any of their friends and family. To be fair, the internet is simply another tool for people to be exposed to potential companions. However, it can become a crutch that hinders rather than accelerates a need for in-person interaction and exposure to the reality in which both live. It is one thing to be told about the perspectives of their relationship and their personality, but that is neither the whole picture nor a first-person account of how you see their behavior toward others. On some level, everyone perceives themselves to be the only sane person to get out of their family.
Dating each other’s world is about truly trusting each other with the full scope of what it means to integrate a life together. The input of good, well-established friends and family is essential if you are wanting to trust your choice and it is a good proving group to see if your significant other cares about you and your values and not just what they can get from you. If something is meant to be permanent, it helps to build on a solid foundation and continue to scaffold it with proper support. If a person is unwilling to have you meet their people, it boils down to one of two reasons, either they do not have healthy relationships, either by narcissistic choice or unfortunate and understandable mistreatment, or they do not see you as a long-term partner. Either explanation leads to a similar encouragement to build other relationships outside of the romantic and see how that is reacted to. When my wife and I were engaged to be wed, she not being from the area and her family living across the country, our first task as a couple was to help her make friends. This both served to give her a sense of community and purpose when I was not with her and others to either challenge or confirm things that I was doing or saying to her. Fostering her world and integrating her with my world became the fertile ground within which we have built our world together.
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