Wanting to be more social or outgoing sounds deceptively simple: Just talk to more people, say yes to every invite, and strike up friendly conversations with strangers, right? But for introverts, putting yourself out there is easier said than done.
The good news is, being introverted isn’t a fixed personality trait. “Most people aren’t full introverts or extroverts,” Amy Morin, LCSW, a psychotherapist and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, tells SELF. “They’re ambiverts, meaning they can do and enjoy both.” In other words, becoming “more extroverted” doesn’t necessarily mean changing who you are—it’s about going out of your comfort zone and finding a social rhythm that energizes rather than exhausts you. Here’s how to start.
1. Redefine “extroversion” on your own terms.
“People often assume extroverts have to be the life of the party—that they’re the funniest, loudest people in the room,” Morin says. “But this can sound unrealistic for many introverts who prefer to have less attention on themselves.”
So instead of expecting yourself to suddenly thrive in large crowds or enjoy back-to-back plans, socialize in more realistic ways. Maybe that involves grabbing lunch with a handful of coworkers instead of joining a noisy happy hour. Or joining a book club, running group, or French class—an environment where you can meet people while doing something you actually enjoy.
2. Be the one who reaches out first.
Don’t just wait for invitations to come your way—make them yourself. Part of being more extroverted, Morin says, is taking initiative rather than hanging back and letting others set the tone. Ask a friend to join you for a walk on a slow Sunday. Organize that Friendsgiving potluck instead of hoping someone else will. Every time you initiate, you get more comfortable taking social risks, and eventually, you’ll notice how often that little moment of courage pays off.
3. Don’t underestimate the power of social media.
“We’re all encouraged to network more. But for someone who’s really introverted, the idea of going to a giant event can be really daunting,” Fanny Tristan, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of Restority Space in New York City, tells SELF. Luckily, though, there are ways to put yourself out there without diving straight into a crowded room of strangers—and that includes starting online.
“Even emailing someone first to set up coffee chats, whether in person or over Zoom, lets you meet your goal of having conversations with more people,” Tristan says. Starting digitally gives you a chance to ease in—no small talk or awkward glances required. And remember: Just because it’s virtual doesn’t make it any less meaningful.
4. Plan ahead for when small talk runs dry.
Part of what makes putting yourself out there so nerve-wracking is the fear of awkward moments, which can happen when you’re socializing with someone new. In these situations, Morin recommends coming prepared with a few interesting, go-to topics that feel stimulating to you.
