There’s no doubt that a compliment from a cute guy can give anyone a little mood boost. But for some, male attention isn’t just nice to have—it can start to feel addicting. A late “WYD” text might be all it takes to suddenly ditch the group dinner you’d been looking forward to all week. A lingering glance across the bar might have you straightening your posture, changing your laugh, even adjusting your top. Or maybe you’re in a relationship where you’ve quietly changed major parts of yourself—adopting your partner’s hobbies, reshuffling your entire schedule—to align with what he wants.
On the surface, these impulses might sound innocent, even a little vain. However, they can mask deeper, more harmful patterns, Radisha Brown, LCSW, owner of iThrive Therapy in Augusta, Georgia, and author of Girl Let Him Go: How to Heal from a Painful Breakup to Love Again, tells SELF. “A lot of women do it and don’t even know it,” Brown says—largely thanks to a patriarchal society that’s long rewarded women for appealing to men. For some, past personal experiences bring on these responses even more: “It could be triggered by some sort of rejection early in life,” Brown says, like being abandoned by a father figure or receiving positive reinforcement only when you did things for the male gaze. “That message can somehow get translated into, ‘For me to be worthy, I have to get this man’s approval.’”
Of course, the problem with hinging your confidence on another person is that your sense of self will become shaky, increasing feelings of insecurity, disappointment, anxiety, and loneliness. So how do you know if what looks like harmless attention-seeking is actually crossing into something more damaging to your self-worth? Here are a few red flags.
1. Your mood depends on whether a man notices you.
Even after an eventful girls’ night out or perfectly planned dinner, you find yourself hung up on one thing: Did any guys ask for your number tonight? Did one call you pretty? How many times did your boyfriend text you while you were out?
“It’s worth asking yourself, ‘Does it ruin my night when I’m not being noticed by men?’” Jennifer Guttman, PhD, a New York City-based clinical psychologist and author of Beyond Happiness: The 6 Secrets of Lifetime Satisfaction, tells SELF. Or, are you anxious about posting on Instagram because you want him to see it—and you’ll spiral if he doesn’t? If the answer to these questions is yes, Dr. Guttman says that’s a sign your happiness may be too tightly tied to their external validation.
2. You change parts of your identity to seem more “attractive.”
It can start small—growing out your hair because your partner hates shorter styles, wearing revealing clothes that feel out of character just to seem more “sexy.” Then, it can spiral into bigger changes—switching your political beliefs to align with his, pretending to love hobbies you don’t actually enjoy, and softening parts of your personality (being quieter, less opinionated, less ambitious) for the sake of being “marriage material.”
