Parenting is full of unexpected challenges, but I never expected that simply stating my child’s nonbinary gender identity would become a political act. As a Gen Xer with two kids—a 24-year-old daughter and a 21-year-old nonbinary child—I’ve seen firsthand how something as deeply personal as gender identity is now a battleground for debate and an invitation for unprovoked, hateful words.
From family members refusing to use the correct pronouns to complete strangers feeling entitled to voice their opinions about my child’s existence, the journey has been both eye-opening and exhausting. Yet, amid the struggle, I’ve found unwavering support in communities that understand what’s at stake.
This is our story—a reflection on the intersection of identity and politics in a deeply-divided world.
***Content Warning: this essay contains brief mentions of depression and suicide.***
My Child’s Gender Identity is Not Up For Debate
In 2020, when I first started using they/them pronouns in reference to my youngest, a Reiki practitioner I had once visited for a session DM’d me to tell me that there are only two genders – male and female – and that my child was mentally ill and needed psychiatric help. This accompanied an anti-“woke” rant about gender ideology and indoctrination in our schools.
Incidentally, here’s a list of 30 Medical Organization Statements in support of gender affirming care.
Upon mention of being a parent or having kids, the first two questions are always:
- “Boy(s) or girl(s)?”
- “How old?”
For those of us with non-binary kids, that first question comes along with a fleeting mental assessment: How will what I’m about to say be received?
My reply – “I have a 24-year old daughter and my 21-year old is non-binary” – is no longer simply the answer to a personal question. Like it or not, it’s a political statement.
There are three general responses:
- The person “gets it” and supports unconditionally.
- The person doesn’t “get it” but tries to understand and is fine with it.
- The person doesn’t “get it”, doesn’t want to, and has no intention to try.
I know that not everyone will “get it” but the effort to understand and not make it an argument about my child’s right to exist is the important part here. I always appreciate those who make an effort to use the correct pronouns. Even if they stumble, their willingness to try is everything. After all, we’re all just human doing the best we can.
If concepts surrounding Gender Expression are new or unfamiliar, I recommend checking out The Trevor Project’s Guide to Being an Ally to Transgender and Nonbinary Young People.
Navigating Gender Identity and Parenting in a Changing World
Not everyone makes that effort. Some of my own family members refuse to use the correct pronouns—despite years of conversations, explanations, and research-backed evidence showing that gender affirmation reduces depression and suicide risk.
This past summer, after four years of trying, I made an emotional plea. I told them how hurt and disrespected I felt every time they misgendered my child. It didn’t matter. They refused to budge.
And then, the political climate shifted even further, reinforcing the resistance I had already been facing at home when Trump signed an executive order last month declaring there are only two genders. It felt like a slap in the face. For five years, I had tried to get these family members to respect my child’s gender expression and now, the leader of the country was giving them permission not to. He reinforced their narrow-mindedness and cruelty.
What Research Says About Gender Identity and Mental Health
There’s a reason why over 90% of LGBTQ+ young people say their well-being was negatively impacted due to recent politics. Their very existence is being politicized and debated.
According to USA Facts, only 1.52% of the U.S. population identifies as non-binary and 1.1% identifies as transgender. Despite making up such a small percentage of the population, trans and nonbinary people have become the focus of legislation, misinformation, and intense public scrutiny—often by those who refuse to listen to their lived experiences.
It really amounts to a lot of people with big, hateful opinions about a tiny group of people they don’t care to know anything about.
To say that I’m concerned about the direction in which our country appears to be headed is an understatement. At the same time, it seems to be in these moments when I feel the most supported personally. So many people made a point of reaching out to check on my family post-election.
How to Support a Nonbinary or Transgender Child
Through all of this, I’ve learned that the real problem isn’t my child’s gender identity—it’s the world’s response to it.
Even though my husband and I are liberal, open-minded people, we weren’t immune to our kid’s fear of coming out. Some of their first connections with other members of the trans and nonbinary community was on social media. This community welcomed them, but it was also rife with stories of rejection. It made our kid wonder: Will my own parents accept me?
Honestly, I get it. We live in a culture that is constantly telling trans and nonbinary kids they are a problem. As parents, we have to work twice as hard to let our kids know that our love and acceptance is unconditional. We fight an uphill battle every day just to help our kids find some sense of safety in the world.
Here’s what I know:
- Parenting a trans or nonbinary kid isn’t inherently more difficult than parenting any other kid.
- The true challenges come from outsiders – the people who seem hell-bent on making life harder for our kids simply because of who they are.
Building a Support System: Where Parents Can Find Help
Thankfully, there are some strong, supportive communities out there. Two that I have found particularly helpful are on Facebook:
Whether you’re here as a parent or an ally, I thank you deeply for reading. We’re in this together. –Karin
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References:
- Butler, J. (1990) Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity. London: Routledge.
- Durwood L., McLaughlin K.A., & Olson K.R. (2017). Mental health and self-worth in socially transitioned transgender youth. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 56, 116-123
- Johns M.M,. Lowry R., Andrzejewski J., et al. (2019) Transgender Identity and Experiences of Violence Victimization, Substance Use, Suicide Risk, and Sexual Risk Behaviors Among High School Students — 19 States and Large Urban School Districts, 2017. MMWR Morbidity & Mortality Weekly Report, 68, 67–71.
- Kann, L., McManus, T., Harris, W.A., Shanklin, S.L., Flint, K.H., Queen, B., et al. (2018) Youth risk behavior surveillance-United States, 2017. Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report Surveillance Summaries, 67(8), 1-114.
- Meyer, I.H. (2003) Prejudice, social stress, and mental health in lesbian, gay, and bisexual populations: conceptual issues and research evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 129(5), 674-697.
- The Trevor Project. (2020). National Survey on LGBTQ Mental Health. New York, New York: The Trevor Project. https://www.thetrevorproject.org/survey-2024/#intro
- https://www.abct.org/featured-articles/why-pronouns-are-important/
