And there may be some very real biological (not personal!) factors at play, too, especially if your friend gave birth. “Their [hormones] are telling them to bond with the baby, and if they’re chestfeeding, they may be tied to the baby every two hours,” Dr. Degges-White says. In other words? It’s not you, it’s baby.
2. Express interest and get involved.
Embracing this new part of your friend’s life pays off in a few ways. For one, it tells your friend that you care for them and want to be part of this chapter, Dr. Mills says. And two, it’s actually going to help you adapt to this new role your friend is inhabiting and lean into the changes the baby is bringing. So check in on how the baby is doing, encourage your friend to include the baby in plans, and ask about what kind of support they need from you as they navigate new parenthood.
You can also get involved in a hands-on way. Dr. Degges-White recommends proposing a combo of babysitting and catching up—something like, “How about I come watch the baby for an hour so you can get out of the house, and then when you get back, we can hang out for a bit?”
3. Be empathetic, flexible, and forgiving.
Putting yourself in your friend’s shoes can help you support them better—emotionally and practically. “Sometimes we have to practice our powers of empathy to understand what their lives may be like now,” Dr. Degges-White says. So be curious. Let them vent about what’s challenging. Be a good listener. Crack open a copy of What to Expect the First Year. Or, hell, “just let yourself imagine what it would be like to go from having eight hours of uninterrupted sleep to having to get up constantly,” Dr. Degges-White suggests.
Another huge way to show your bestie you get it? Be okay with the usual give-and-take of your friendship looking lopsided for a while. “When you have a baby, you don’t have a lot of flexibility in your life,” Dr. Degges-White says. Your friend could be juggling naps, feedings, and family responsibilities, so as much as possible, be the flexible one—come to them, work around their schedule, and cut them some slack. That means rolling with last-minute plan changes and not expecting fast replies. “Give [them] grace during this time, without too many demands or requirements of the friendship, at least for a little bit,” Dr. Mills says.
4. Spend more time with other friends.
No one can replace your friend. But if you’re feeling lonely, it’s okay—wise, actually—to get some of your emotional and social needs fulfilled by other relationships, whether by investing more in your current connections or making new friends. “Pursue people that you want to get to know and enjoy being with,” Dr. Mills recommends.
This is ultimately better for your relationship with your parent pal, too. Forging other friendships can relieve some of the pressure you might be inadvertently putting on the relationship by needing your friend to meet expectations they just can’t right now, Dr. Mills says.
5. Remember that change doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
The hectic newborn period doesn’t last forever (phew). But your friendship might also shift in a more durable way, even as their kid(s) gets older. And that’s okay! You might come to love seeing this different side of your friend or discover that the original bond that brought you together actually deepens during this new chapter. “It might look different,” Dr. Mills says, “but the friendship is still founded on what was in place before the baby arrived.”
Dr. Degges-White likes thinking about friendships like a long-term market investment or a committed marriage: You ride out the ups and downs—instead of freaking out or bailing—because you’re in it for the long haul. “Y’all share a history together, and you care about each other,” Dr. Degges-White says. “A friendship that’s built on time invested isn’t going to crumble just because this new thing happened.”
Related:
Get more of SELF’s great friendship advice delivered right to your inbox—for free.
