By Leo Babauta
Something that has long been a struggle for me is when people complain a lot — I really don’t love the negative energy, and I tend to turn away from people who are complaining.
So I’ve been examining this in recent years … and I’ve been learning a lot about myself.
The first thing I realized is that I have difficulty with people who complain … because I have a hard time loving the part of myself that complains.
And so I’ve been learning to find the complainer in myself, and bring love to him. This is transformative! It means it’s OK for me to have complaint, to feel put upon, to not be happy or grateful. This is a permission to just be how I am right now — which is sometimes full of complaint.
The second thing I’ve learned is that I can transform the complaint, when I realize that it has two parts:
- A complaint is actually, in part, a request — could you please do this instead of that? If we complain about someone, hidden in that is really a request for them to do something differently. Getting clear on my request empowers me to actually make a direct and clear request.
- A complaint is also hurt. It’s not simply a request, because embedded in a complaint is that I’ve been hurt in some way. It’s not always obvious how I’ve been hurt, even to myself. But there’s hurt there somewhere. If I don’t like the way someone is acting, that’s usually because there’s something they’re doing that’s aggravating me or causing me pain.
So I can transform the complaint if I can understand these two parts of the complaint: the request and the hurt.
First, I can deal with the hurt — can I notice the part of me that is hurt by the other person’s actions (or by the situation)? What can I do to help that hurt part of me? For me, just noticing it, and giving it some presence and love, can go a long way. Sometimes I might tell the other person, if I can trust that they’ll actually care about my pain.
And by the way, when someone else has a complaint (even if it’s about you), the first thing you might do is notice their pain, and show them you care about it.
Second, I can find the request in my complaint. I can notice what it is I’d actually like the other person to change, or what I’d like to change about the situation. Then I can ask, or take action. This gives me a sense of empowerment.
If someone else has complaint … beyond caring about their pain, you might ask them if they have a request. They’re likely to resist this question, because for most people, it feels safer to complain than to vulnerably make a request. But you can still ask, “Sure, I get that you don’t like that … and I’m wondering, if you could have me change my behavior, what would you like me to do?”
This asks them to take responsibility to make a clear request. They might not be willing, which is OK. But if they are, it can be powerful. You then have to decide whether you’re willing to honor the request, which you don’t have to.
Working with my internal complaints (and the complaints of others) in this way, I can help heal any hurt, but also find a way to take responsibility for creating something new.
How can you recognize your internal complaints, and find a way to work powerfully with them?
