My mother put a lot of work into creating picture-perfect holidays. As a child, I remember piles of beautifully wrapped presents, holiday décor spread throughout the house, and large Ukrainian gatherings with mounds of food and a noise level that made the scenes in My Big Fat Greek Wedding sound like the silence of a library.
On top of it all, she was also the organist at our local church and would often play at least two services on Christmas Eve—and maybe one on Christmas morning.
As a child, I loved all of it.
As a mother, I gave up trying to recreate those scenes from childhood. Not because I don’t care about the holidays (I still think Christmas is one of the most magical times of the year), but because I watched my mother wear herself down to the bone every year. From October to December, I don’t think a day went by when she wasn’t chopping, stirring, shopping, wrapping, rushing, driving, decorating, inviting, managing, directing, mailing, or worrying.
The Weight of “Holiday Motherwhelm”
Beth Berry, author of Motherwhelmed: Challenging Norms, Untangling Truths, and Restoring Our Worth in the World, refers to this as “holiday motherwhelm.”
You don’t have to be a mother to experience it—it happens to anyone who over-functions in an effort to create meaningful, magical experiences for the people they love. But let’s be honest: the burden of creating a “perfect” holiday still rests disproportionately on women’s shoulders.
This past summer, my mother confessed to me that it was all too much. She wishes she hadn’t spent so much time getting ready for the holidays and had spent more time enjoying them. She talked about how the season went by in a blur—and how she could hardly pull herself out of bed on January 1st. That’s how exhausted she was.
I think of the time and energy my mother poured into making sure everyone else had an experience to remember. I can feel the heaviness of what she went through—of what was “expected” of mothers in the Canadian suburb where I grew up in the 1970s. It feels soul-crushing.
Those expectations are something I do not want to pick up, and so I haven’t.
Shifting Into Self-Preservation Mode
The holiday season is when I shift into self-preservation mode—a time to spend energy protecting my own energy. I’m no longer willing to lose myself to the madness of the season.
Especially as a single mother, I don’t have the time or the resources to do that.
Audre Lorde wrote, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”
In times of stress and turmoil, we’re told to medicate ourselves instead of freeing ourselves—to numb out instead of taking our place on the front lines of the lives we want to create.
It’s okay if things feel different this year. It’s okay if they look different. Here are some ways to keep self-preservation at the top of your list—and treat it like the gift it truly is.
Alone Time: Set Boundaries and Protect Your Space
Put some boundaries in place so your entire life doesn’t get disrupted for the last quarter of the year. Stop thinking alone time is selfish—it’s essential.
Protecting your energy during the holiday season means knowing what your needs are and finding your voice to speak up for them. This can be hard, especially if you’re used to doing everything for everyone else first, so be gentle.
Alone time can be anything from 15 minutes behind a locked bathroom door with coffee and a podcast to booking a solo night at a nearby Airbnb. Find what works for you—and plan for it unapologetically.
Honor Your Habits: Keep the Rituals That Ground You
Keeping your fitness and nutrition routines intact—at least in part—is one of the most powerful ways to protect your energy. It’s not about perfection; it’s about honoring the habits that keep you grounded.
When you move your body regularly and nourish yourself well, you build a buffer against stress, decision fatigue, and the constant stimulation that comes with this time of year. Even short workouts, simple meals, or a consistent bedtime can keep you rooted in your own rhythm instead of swept up in everyone else’s expectations.
Traditions Change: Rewrite the Rules That No Longer Serve You
If you’ve got holidays, then you most likely have generational baggage that comes along for the ride. What dishes make up what meals? What time said meals are expected to be held? Who exchanges gifts with who? And, so on.
I’ve rewritten so many of my family traditions; the intention and the belief are the same, but they look and feel very different now.
Don’t assume you need to do things the same way forever. Keep what matters most; let go of what doesn’t. Ask your family what traditions they love—and which ones they can happily release.
You might decide not to travel to Michigan to spend time with your in-laws, or you might decide to spend Hanukkah with your neighbor across the street. Think of the parts of the holidays that are important for you to keep? What traditions do you want to pass on? Ask your kids, or other family members, which part of the holidays they love, and which ones they can do without.
You Get to Be the Boss
You may not control every part of the holiday (your mom still expects you at dinner), but remember: you do control more than you think.
If you can only handle a short amount of time at the New Year’s Eve party, you get to do that. If you want to donate to a cause instead of buying gifts, you get to do that, too.
The holiday season hits everyone differently – depression, anxiety, bad memories – are real. This can also be a time where you can rewrite what the holiday season means to you. Volunteering can be one way to help connect with something other than yourself, and finding an organization that resonates with who you are can help bring more meaning to the season.
Go Alcohol-Free: Protect Your Clarity
Alcohol isn’t your friend this time of year (honestly, it never really is—but that’s another post).
If you’re drinking around your family, you might have already collected some data over the years, that this can go all kinds of wrong. Think crying, shouting, fighting, over-reaching. If family dynamics tend to go sideways when alcohol is involved, skip it.
Find something that’s festive, like cranberry juice, mint, and seltzer, or try one of the bazillion new alcohol-free beverages on the market. You won’t be hungover in the morning. You’ll have better energy, focus, and clarity, and you can put all of that into being truly present for the holidays.
And, if you’re spending part of the holidays alone (as a single-mother I’m always alone for something), drinking by yourself isn’t going to make you feel better. If you’re experiencing any kind of anxiety or depression, which can be brought on by the holidays, alcohol will only make you feel worse.
Feed Your Spirit: Reconnect With What Matters
Deep down you know the holiday season isn’t about racing around and spending money you don’t have, on things that no one really needs. Or wearing yourself out in order to create an Instagram worthy holiday display.
If those are truly the things that fill you up, then by all means go for it. But, if so much of what you do leaves you feeling empty, then take some time to reconnect with the core of what you’re celebrating in the first place.
We all have different ways of feeding our spirit: movement, meditation, time outdoors, or meaningful connection. What daily rituals fill you with purpose and help you show up for your life?
Taking care of yourself isn’t optional—it’s essential, especially in a season filled with noise, pressure, and instability.
Give yourself permission to reclaim the pieces of you that might have been lost along the way. No more ghosts of holidays past.
Less Stuff, More Soul
Holidays bring up all kinds of feelings. You might feel pressure to give your children or others to find the perfect gift, the most expensive gift, the coolest gift, the most gifts, or make the greatest number of cookies or whatever it is you think you need to do to impress others in your life. If you’re feeling like this, it’s totally normal.
Instead, focus on less stuff, more soul.
Make unique gifts, buy secondhand, or gift experiences instead of things. It can be a different way instead of showering your kids with all the latest plastic toys that are soon forgotten, or buying things because you think you have to. Saving up for a trip, or planning for an experience are also ways to avoid the holiday shopping onslaught.
Simplify the excess and give meaning the spotlight again. —Krysty
