You swore this time would be different. They were charming, attentive, said all the right things—and for a moment, it felt like maybe, finally, you’d met someone who could meet you. But somewhere between the good morning texts and half-planned future trips, you started to notice the familiar signs: the deflections, the shallow conversations, the way they’d vanish when you needed real support.
Sound familiar?
If you keep finding yourself in a loop with people who seem perfect on paper but can’t show up in practice, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. Emotional unavailability is tricky, often dressed up in charisma and good intentions. And yet, being constantly cast in the role of “the one who cares more” is exhausting.
We spoke with Erin Pash, LMFT and founder of Pash Co., to unpack why we keep attracting unavailable partners, how attachment styles play into it, and—most importantly—what you can start doing today to shift out of that cycle. With years of experience as a therapist and mental health leader, Erin is here to help you stop auditioning for love—and start choosing connection that actually shows up.
Real talk on red flags, attachment styles, and choosing better
What are some signs someone is emotionally unavailable—even if they seem “perfect” on paper or say the right things? They’re great at surface-level stuff but hit a wall when things get deeper. You’ll notice you’re doing most of the emotional labor like initiating vulnerable conversations, bringing up relationship concerns, remembering important things about their life. They might share stories but rarely share feelings. They’re available for fun but mysteriously busy when you need emotional support. Another big one: they say the right things but their actions don’t match almost like they’ll tell you they care but won’t actually show up when you’re struggling.
How do attachment styles play into this dynamic? And is it possible for someone with an anxious or avoidant attachment style to shift toward secure love—on their own, or with a partner? Yes, people absolutely can shift toward secure attachment, but it takes real work. With a secure partner, an anxious person can learn that love doesn’t require constant vigilance. An avoidant person can discover that intimacy doesn’t equal suffocation. The key is self-awareness and usually some good therapy. It’s possible to do it alone, but it’s easier with a partner who’s also doing the work.
For someone reading this and realizing, “That’s me,” what are 2–3 things they can start doing today to shift their internal compass and stop attracting the same unavailable energy? First, do emotional check-ins with yourself three times a day. Just pause and ask “What am I feeling right now?” You can’t share what you don’t know you’re experiencing.
Second, practice small vulnerabilities daily. Share one genuine thing with someone safe, maybe tell a friend you’re nervous about something, or admit to your partner that something small hurt your feelings.
Third, notice your relationship patterns. Are you always the helper but never the helped? Do you change the subject when someone asks how you’re really doing? Awareness is the first step to breaking the cycle.
Is there ever a situation where it’s worth staying in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable—and helping them open up? Or should emotionally mature individuals walk away sooner? You cannot love someone into emotional availability. You can model it and create safe spaces, but you cannot force it.
If someone is genuinely working on themselves—going to therapy, having difficult conversations, showing consistent effort over time—that’s different from someone who just promises to change. But if you’re constantly explaining why your needs matter or feeling like you speak different languages, it’s probably time to love them from a distance.
The question isn’t whether they’re a good person, but whether you’re in a relationship that actually nourishes both of you.
If your partner refuses to go to therapy, but you’re doing the work on your end, is there any healthy way to bridge that gap—or are you just growing in different directions? Sometimes when one partner starts changing, it naturally invites the other to step up too. Keep working on yourself, communicate your needs clearly, and model the kind of relationship you want.
But be honest about your timeline. How long are you willing to grow in different directions? Sometimes the kindest thing is to outgrow a relationship that’s not growing with you. You can’t drag someone to emotional growth, but you can decide how long you’re willing to wait for them to choose it themselves.
Are there common blind spots people have when they say they’ve “done the work” but still feel stuck? Reading all the self-help books but not practicing the skills. Going to therapy but not being fully honest with your therapist. Doing individual work but not learning how to be vulnerable with your actual partner.
The biggest blind spot is thinking that understanding your patterns is the same as changing them. You might know exactly why you’re attracted to unavailable people but still find yourself choosing them every time. Understanding is just the first step, you have to actually practice new behaviors consistently.
Do you have a checklist or framework for identifying green flags early in dating? Instead of a checklist, look for someone who makes you feel more like yourself, not less. They ask follow-up questions, remember details about your life, and can handle your full range of emotions without trying to fix or minimize them.
Watch how they handle conflict, disappointment, and your boundaries. Do they show up consistently over time? Do you feel like you can be honest with them? Do they make you want to be more yourself, not a different version of yourself?
The ultimate green flag: you don’t feel like you’re constantly auditioning for love, you feel like you’re already cast in the role. You’re looking for someone willing to unpack their emotional baggage together, not someone with zero baggage (that person doesn’t exist).
Erin Pash, MA, LMFT, is a licensed therapist, author, and the founder of Pash Co. Known for her progressive, whole-person approach to mental health, Erin has spent over a decade making therapy more accessible and destigmatized. She’s a thought leader in emotional wellness and therapeutic innovation, dedicated to helping people build healthier, more connected relationships.
