I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer, author, and ethical Boyslut (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.
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Dear Sexplain It,
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About a month ago, I started dating this woman who’s an aspiring singer. Honestly, she’s the woman of my dreams. She’s beautiful, smart, funny, and the sex is great. The issue is that she’s a really bad singer. I’ve heard her demos and seen her perform at small local pubs, and yeah…she’s really rough. Like, really rough. I feel terrible saying this, but it’s true. It’s also somewhat bizarre. She’s so self-aware, yet this is a huge blindspot where she has no sense of her singing abilities. Is this reason enough to break up?
And if I do break up with her, she will want to know why. She’s going to think it’s really out of the blue. There’s no way I can tell her the real reason, right?
— Off-Key
Dear Off-Key,
Someone needs to tell her the truth, but I don’t think that person should be the guy she’s been dating for a month. It needs to come from a close friend or family member—someone who’s known her for a long period of time, and who she really trusts. If you tell her that she’s untalented and should give up on her dreams, it could make you seem controlling. She may dump you, and then proceed to pursue her dreams even harder to prove her “asshole ex” wrong.
Because I don’t think you should tell her the truth—and no one else is stepping up to the plate—I think you should break up with her. If you don’t, you’ll have to put on a fake smile at every performance. Whenever she asks, “How does this sound?” you will have to lie to her. I could name about a hundred other hypotheticals, but you get the point.
Plus, you won’t be able to keep up the charade forever. Eventually you’ll be married, and she’ll want to use your shared bank account to make more demos, and you’ll have to be like, “Hey! FYI, your singing is awful and always has been.” Then you’ll have to explain that all of your support has been a lie, and she’s going to feel betrayed and heartbroken.
As corny as it sounds, relationships are built on trust. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not opposed to a small white lie every now and then to spare your partner’s feelings, but this is not what you’re describing. Instead, you’re describing a life of constant big lies that compound over time, which won’t just take a toll on your relationship; it’ll take a toll on your well-being. Constantly lying to the person you love does not feel good.
When you break up with her, don’t mention her singing. I know other relationship experts disagree with me; I’ve actually had a few debates on this topic. Many people believe you should always be honest about why you’re breaking up with someone, because the person you’re breaking up with “deserves the truth.” But in my opinion, I think it can be cruel to share the whole truth, especially if this is a relatively new relationship. (If you’ve been together for years, it’s different, but you’ve been together for only a month.)
Instead, emphasize your feelings. If you say the reason is anything she’s doing, she can offer to change her behavior—and you don’t want that. You can share that you thought you were ready for a committed relationship but have realized that you aren’t. Or you can say your romantic feelings for her are fading, and you just want to be friends. Pick your poison.
It’ll suck, but I think you’ll be able to sleep easier knowing you made the right choice. And because you won’t hear her rehearsing her new song in the other room.
